So, I met my new doctor today at M.D. Anderson in Houston.  Talk about a know-it-all but that’s a compliment, believe it or not.  Even so, I have no more answers today than I did yesterday.  All I got today were new worries to add to the mix.  You see, my current oncologist had already broken the news to me on Feb. 8 that  he believed I relapsed after my last PET scan showed suspicious activity in the now shrunken tumors.  He explained to me as I cried that I would undergo more intense chemotherapy and a stem cell transplant at M.D. Anderson for at least two months.  My husband and I had gone in not totally optimistic to that appointment in an ill-fated attempt at protecting our hearts.  That little ray of hope we’d been hanging on to broke our hearts all over again.  We cried and moped and felt sorry for ourselves for a couple days.

But, we got it out of our systems and instead started asking what’s next on the agenda for cancer-fighting.  Consequently, today as my new doctor at MDA explained the possible side effects of my upcoming treatment such as infertility, organ damage, and poor quality of life thereafter, I did not cry.  I didn’t flinch and I didn’t tear up.  I probably forgot to blink too.  Why?  Am I becoming jaded?  The definition of jaded according to Google is this:

Tired, bored, or lacking enthusiasm, typically after having had too much of something.

Tired?  Yes.  Bored?  Yup.  Lacking enthusiasm?  Double-yes (pun intended)!  Have I had way too much of this something?  A resounding YES!  I think I might even be SUPER-jaded.  Or is something else happening?  As the doctor went on about my doomed eggs, all I remember thinking was, “Its ok.  Don’t worry about that right now.  Just do what you need to do.”  Or could I have heard that?  It kept popping into my head as my smarty-pants doctor counted off all the ways I was gonna get “jacked up” as a good friend of mine calls it.  It seemed like I was shrugging these things off in a jaded manner because even my doctor asked me if I was really ok.  I’m definitely scared as hell and I should have been quaking in my awesome studded boots but my composure today was inexplicable.  Inexplicable in lowly human terms at least.  I’m not Super-Jaded the superhero.  I wish I were this super strong woman that everyone makes me out to be but, alas, I am not.  I’m just this chick with cancer that asks Jesus to help her everyday.  He totally whispered that in my ear today.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Only what I needed.

At this point, I’m all cried out and I’m jaded in the way that I just wanna get my fight on and get it over with.  Doc didn’t give me any kind of assurance today but that’s just what I needed:  some good, old-fashioned honesty.  Give it to me straight.  Don’t promise me the moon and then just show me your butt.  This is a huge Goliath of a giant I’m facing and he’s not to be taken lightly.  Yes, NOTHING is impossible for God but where’s the honor and glory for Him in defeating a midget?  I wanna GRRR when I’m told by some that “ohh you’re gonna be juuuuuust fine, no worries!”  like its the common cold.  This is not something to be written off or taken lightly.  Cancer is a formidable opponent that claims lives every day and a cancer survivor is a living, breathing testament to the healing power of God.  I respect cancer but I’m still gonna murder it.  It will happen in His time, not mine.  Hey cancer:  I have a tombstone with your name on it, not mine.

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8 thoughts on “Super-jaded

  1. Maria Herrera says:

    I wanted to start off by saying your inspiration we think our little problems are huge but next to you are a tiny seed. I won’t say you’ll be just fine but I will say you have many praying for you and that want to see you beat this.. I know I do.. Diamond mixed in with the rocks waiting to be buffed by our Lord.

  2. Cara Morris says:

    I am a MD Anderson cancer survivor. I was in treatment mid 1998, I’m still going strong, with some side effect issues, but that’s OK. We CAN live with issues! Trust in MDA, they are the absolute best in the world. The ‘thought’ that became my strength was (and still is) ‘Let’s face it ~ we ALL die someday of something. None of us will get out of this world alive, that’s a given. BUT ~ it’s not going to be THIS, and it’s not going to be NOW! By DAMN!!!’ So, be Super-Jaded ~ just don’t give up ~ you have lots of love and energy from friends and family, and you have faith, and the best doc’s in the world ~ rely on it all! My prayers are with you as well.

  3. Diana says:

    Incredible post! You’ve got a family of people rootin, dancing, and praying for you everyday. Sending love your way! Diana Jaded Jolles

  4. Lynn Smith says:

    With MDA’s help and God’s, YOU are going to make cancer history. He is making you strong for the fight. Your reliance on Him is touching hundreds of lives each day and showing all of us who follow along how we can slay giants too. You are a beautiful star with a mission

  5. My Sister, you ARE a Superhero in my eyes, not because of your willingness to fight, your courage or anything that you can do in your power, but because of your steady faith in Jesus Christ to bring you through this victorious! Keep fighting the good fight and we will keep lifting you up to the King. Love you!

  6. deb says:

    I just Love your expressiveness of this battle. You can tell your heart is in the words. I feel it as I read. I love you my friend. Its sad that we only know each other because of the demon known as cancer. God only knows why. Im here many miles away sharing in your heartaches. God bless you. Try to stay strong. Your friend and sister

  7. Maria says:

    You are such an inspiration to me. Your unwavering faith in God in this battle makes all my trials seem so small. I know God is with you, carrying you in his arms as you walk through the fire. Know that you are in my prayers every day, and I know you’re in the prayers of many, many people. Heaven is being bombarded with prayers for your healing. God bless you. Keep looking at Jesus. He will carry you through this and He will be glorified in your life.

  8. Aw says:

    Hi…trying to piece your story together with my chemo Cns lymphoma about to be radiated brain. I have the same fears even though my fertility went out the window the first time around. It will be shit afterwards when you grieve what you have lost, but at least you will be alive… Your life will just be taking a v different path to what you expected. That’s what I tell myself.

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