I think waiting has got to be one of the most torturous things a human being can be made to do be it for a good thing or a bad thing. Do you not agree? As a child, I remember the grueling wait for the end of the week to see my Saturday morning cartoons. It couldn’t arrive fast enough. The wait of every day as my parents would say, “No, the trip to (insert fun place here) is NEXT week.” It was hooooorrible! Then growing up, the waiting for typical teenage things like graduation and college. Then adulthood, waiting in nervous anticipation for my wedding day. Waiting to close on our first home. Those days never seem to arrive fast enough and yet they’re here and gone in a split-second. Oh, how I long for the good ol’ days of waiting for normal, beautiful things. These new days of waiting on the dark unknown, not so much.
“It’s really not that far, why’s it seem so far? The road from my head to my heart.” The lyrics explained my sentiments exactly this morning, and every morning for that matter. My head knows that this is just a season in my life, that its not forever. My head knows that this too will pass. Try telling that to my heart. My heart is another story. It longs for this nightmare to be over and to at least start a new normal since the old normal has long gone. My heart has been used as a punching bag and is asking for mercy in what it hopes are the last rounds of this fight. The road from my head to my heart seems so far and they can’t seem to get on the same journey or even in the same vehicle.
What is wrong with me? Nothing. This is all very normal or so I’m told. Will my head and my heart ever come together again in a somewhat symbiotic relationship? Again I know they will, but when? The road from my head to my heart is strewn with question marks and clean-up seems like a gargantuan task.
And so, I wait. Wait for answers to my questions and resolutions for my health. Just how do I do that? I suppose I’m doing what I can by keeping busy with what God has placed in my path. A distraction if you will. Isn’t that how our parents kept us from driving them absolutely crazy with questions and the inevitable ‘are we there yet?’ I’m trying to busy my hands with my knitting and my feeble attempts at learning guitar. I’m trying to busy my mind with books and season DVDs of Big Bang Theory. Most of all, I’m trying to busy my spirit with His spirit. I imagine if I focus my energies on the One who created them, I’ll have a much higher success rate.
Its not an easy task when many days I don’t feel particularly happy with Him. I’ll say it: yes, some days I’m angry at God. My rage comes tumbling out of me directed at Him in fits of tears and cries. This morning was no exception. By the end of my tantrums though, instead of The Hulk, I’m more like a washed up kitten. How can God stay mad at that? I’m pretty sure He doesn’t. He just shakes His head like our parents did when we threw our temper tantrums as children. “I got all day,” my mother would say and so does He.
That’s the only thing that makes any of this somewhat bearable. The fact that I’m not gonna get in ‘trouble’ and that He’s waiting for my process to process. Even though my head and my heart can’t seem to get along on this rough road, He’s there in the middle of it all, driving the car. I hope we get there soon.
If you would like to listen to the song that inspired my blog today (Head To My Heart), it’s a free download today from Noisetrade: