The Road From My Head to My Heart

I think waiting has got to be one of the most torturous things a human being can be made to do be it for a good thing or a bad thing.  Do you not agree?  As a child, I remember the grueling wait for the end of the week to see my Saturday morning cartoons.  It couldn’t arrive fast enough.  The wait of every day as my parents would say, “No, the trip to (insert fun place here) is NEXT week.”  It was hooooorrible!  Then growing up, the waiting for typical teenage things like graduation and college.  Then adulthood, waiting in nervous anticipation for my wedding day.  Waiting to close on our first home.  Those days never seem to arrive fast enough and yet they’re here and gone in a split-second.  Oh, how I long for the good ol’ days of waiting for normal, beautiful things.  These new days of waiting on the dark unknown, not so much.

“It’s really not that far, why’s it seem so far?  The road from my head to my heart.”  The lyrics explained my sentiments exactly this morning, and every morning for that matter.  My head knows that this is just a season in my life, that its not forever.  My head knows that this too will pass.  Try telling that to my heart.  My heart is another story.  It longs for this nightmare to be over and to at least start a new normal since the old normal has long gone.  My heart has been used as a punching bag and is asking for mercy in what it hopes are the last rounds of this fight.  The road from my head to my heart seems so far and they can’t seem to get on the same journey or even in the same vehicle.

What is wrong with me?  Nothing.  This is all very normal or so I’m told.  Will my head and my heart ever come together again in a somewhat symbiotic relationship?  Again I know they will, but when?  The road from my head to my heart is strewn with question marks and clean-up seems like a gargantuan task.

And so, I wait.  Wait for answers to my questions and resolutions for my health.  Just how do I do that?  I suppose I’m doing what I can by keeping busy with what God has placed in my path.  A distraction if you will.  Isn’t that how our parents kept us from driving them absolutely crazy with questions and the inevitable ‘are we there yet?’  I’m trying to busy my hands with my knitting and my feeble attempts at learning guitar.  I’m trying to busy my mind with books and season DVDs of Big Bang Theory.  Most of all, I’m trying to busy my spirit with His spirit.  I imagine if I focus my energies on the One who created them, I’ll have a much higher success rate.

Its not an easy task when many days I don’t feel particularly happy with Him.  I’ll say it:  yes, some days I’m angry at God.  My rage comes tumbling out of me directed at Him in fits of tears and cries.  This morning was no exception.  By the end of my tantrums though, instead of The Hulk, I’m more like a washed up kitten.  How can God stay mad at that?  I’m pretty sure He doesn’t.  He just shakes His head like our parents did when we threw our temper tantrums as children.  “I got all day,” my mother would say and so does He.

That’s the only thing that makes any of this somewhat bearable.  The fact that I’m not gonna get in ‘trouble’ and that He’s waiting for my process to process.  Even though my head and my heart can’t seem to get along on this rough road, He’s there in the middle of it all, driving the car.  I hope we get there soon.


If you would like to listen to the song that inspired my blog today (Head To My Heart), it’s a free download today from Noisetrade:

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3 thoughts on “The Road From My Head to My Heart

  1. sylvia says:

    You are my hero! God is great mija.

  2. Sandra Trevino says:

    Cristina, my heart mourns in the fact that you are experiencing such horrendous pain, nervousness, fear for the unknown and the all this terror that you must be feeling since the second you found out you had this horrible disease.
    My prayer is that God does help you find consolation in the fact that in those moments when you feel like can no longer bear this torment, He is the one who will find mercy by allowing you just one more day, just one more hour, just one more minute to express yourself with entries like this one.
    Yes, I admit that I know or feel all that you are going through; because I cannot, but one thing I do know and that is God loves you and does not give you anything that He does not deem or know that you cannot handle. He must have an enormous amount of confidence in your faith—for it shows that even through this all–you seem to love Him more and more everyday.
    I used to attend your classes at En Ritmo in CC and was inspired to keep going because of your motivation, enthusiasm, encouragement and because you embodied what it is to love who she is and why she does it! Yes, your spirit was visible in all you brought to each and every class—this is why I know you will overcome this and anything that is put in your path.

    Stay positive and please do not give up your will to survive! I know we are not giving up on you and God won’t either!

    Thank you for sharing your feelings and thoughts.
    Sandra Trevino

  3. deb says:

    Cristina, you are a child of our God most high and he does hear your cries, feels your pain, and mourns your suffering. His Love, grace and forgiveness is all given through your amazing faith in him. We all suffer as Jesus did as he died on the cross for our sins. Some of that suffering just doesnt seem fair. We all sit in the passengers seat with God at the wheel and trust him with our lives. Our eternal life is the most important and your example to be Christ like is humbling for all. God does not mind your tantrums because he sees your heart. The battlefield of the mind is our greatest enemy. Stay focused on him. You are LOVED!

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