Chemo Session #10: Are You the One?

Its 6am and I’m in my hospital bed but I can’t sleep.  The hospital never sleeps.  There’s a constant stream of shoes squeaking up and down the hall, nurses coming in at all hours of the night to check my vitals and change out my IV bags of chemotherapy.  They’re just doing their job but it’s messing with my beauty sleep.  The steroids they give me are messing with my body and my sanity.  They make me so jittery like I just drank 10 cans of Red Bull and so my mind begins to race with all sorts of nonsense.  Some of it is silly like I was contemplating asking for another blanket on the intercom in a British accent. Should I use a cockney accent or something more regal like the Queen of England?  Or maybe something like Merry or Pip from Lord of the Rings?  I watched it before I came to the hospital so that explains that.

Anyway, there’s also more important things my mind begins to run away with.  I can’t stop thinking about this chemo session.  It’s the 10th cycle and the most aggressive one I’ve received to date called R-HyperCVAD.  Woof!  It sounds like a part for Artoo-Deetoo.  That’s the little robot from Star Wars and now I’ve made references to not one but two ultra geeky movies so now you know I’m a full-on geek.  I’m going to get on with what I’m trying to say now.

Preparing for the worst but hoping for the best.

You’ve heard that expression before, right?  That’s me right now.  Preparing for the worst but placing hope against hope for the best.  You see, doctors are vouching that this session will finally put me into remission which will then allow me to receive my life-saving stem cell transplant at MD Anderson.  If I’m not in remission after this, then I don’t get my transplant and God only knows what these doctors have planned for me next.  I hate to think about it but its an inevitable possibility staring me right in the face like a snarling, salivating pit bull.  I have to clarify something. Just because I’m preparing for the worst doesn’t mean I don’t have faith and hope in God that I’ll be in remission.  It only means I’ve learned that I don’t know what God has planned for me.  Too many times in this journey have I not prepared for the worst and the worst happened. That can’t be good for anyone’s sanity.

Still, I hope and pray with urgency to God that this be my ticket to the Promised Land of MD Anderson where it floweth with stem cell transplants and world-class doctors.  I plead with Him day in and day out that this be one of my final hurdles in this never-ending nightmare they call non-Hodgkins lymphoma.  And so I ask:  Chemo #10, are you the One?  Are you gonna be the one to grant me the news I’ve been waiting for?  Will I hear the ever-beautiful word ‘remission’ soon?  So many questions but I try to pace myself.  I try to remind myself that this is not about me.  There is a plan for my life and what it is, I still do not know.  My goal right now is just to take all this one day at a time.  Like that old PSA said, “The mind is a terrible thing to waste,” and I don’t plan on wasting it on the could have’s and would have’s of life.  That’s for chumps.

Instead, like I said, I shall look forward and prepare for the worst but hope for the best.  There’s a hurricane a’blowin’ in the gulf of my life and I’m sure as heck gonna board up my house. Hopefully, it’ll pass by my house unscathed.

Hurricane Cancer

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6 thoughts on “Chemo Session #10: Are You the One?

  1. deb says:

    Dear God I pray with every inch of my soul that chemo #10 grants the wishes we all pray for daily. God will always guide you, everything you need will be satisfied, your frame will find strength . You will be like a garden, well watered, like a spring whose waters always flow. Isaiah 58:11. Im so proud of your strength Cristina ! Your hope in him cant help but remind me of the story of Job. Im sorry you are going thru all of this, it sounds so hard.. Im not sure I could cope.. I wish I could come and sit in the hospital with you! Love you! Deb

  2. marshpit78 says:

    I totally love this post. You and me are in the same boat and use the same motto. “prepare for the worst, expect the best”. Pushing through is the only option and positive thoughts and prayers are what helps us get through in these times of need. Thoughts and prayers to you an your family from GA. Fight the good battle and never let the thoughts of defeat creep in. You got this!

  3. Sarah says:

    Upping the ante in the prayer department– A few prayer groups I’m connected with will be praying for you continuously and my aunt going to dedicate an hour of prayer for you at perpetual adoration at OLPH this evening. The Catholics have grabbed their boards and nails and are going to work boarding up your precious house!

    You are, as always, an inspiration and I feel blessed to have met you.

    PS- I’d go with the cockney accent. Maybe like the worm from the movie Labyrinth? “Ello!”

  4. Sarah says:

    OK- this isn’t really a comment for the website, but I don’t know if or how I could send a private message. I just wanted to let you know who I am because we don’t really know each other well, and I didn’t want you thinking, “who is this chick??” and worrying that you had chemo brain. My mom, Jeanne Hope, was a faithful Zumba-ite at En Ritmo and brought me a couple of times. I also met you at the Zumba- thon a couple of months ago.

    Anyway, even though I’ve only met you a couple of times, you’ve made such an impression on me that I think about you several times each day and always say a little prayer for you. (in addition to the big prayers I say for you in the evenings and at church). Your journey has caused me to question His infinite wisdom at times, but always ultimately I am blessed with a renewed faith in His plan for all of us. I have never met a woman more deserving of a miracle, and hope and pray that it is His plan to bless you with one.

  5. Pamela Beavers says:

    I love your message. You have such a wonderful outlook. I will pray for that remission as it is so well deserved. Let that hurricane pass right by you so that you may get on with your life. Praying for that light at the end of the tunnel. Many prayers for your recovery

    Zumba buddy

  6. Larry Stenson says:

    Praying for you now. I’ve been there with Bladder Cancer and the good Doctors at MD Anderson know their stuff and saved me. They can save you too. Keep that attitude up and hang onto God for God with help you through this.

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